For many people, going home for the holidays is a tradition that stirs up a mixture of emotions. In addition to the general hustle and bustle of the season, divorce and new marriages can make busy visiting schedules even more complicated. Where should you eat on Thanksgiving? Where are the kids going on Christmas Eve, and where are you spending Christmas Day?
The holiday dinner tour is painstakingly reviewed and choreographed each year, and the pressure to please everyone is intense. With these demands simmering under the surface, the holidays can become a time of year that family members look forward to but also dread.
Using guilt or manipulation to lure adult children home for holiday dinner, adds tension to everyone’s life. The “if you loved us you’d be here” approach, whether stated or implied, doesn’t create warm family memories; it undermines them.
When families respect each other’s circumstances and honor evolving family responsibilities, they are actually expressing the love and support that the holidays represent. People are generally more comfortable spending time together when they have a choice about it.
It’s important for adult children to feel that as their families grow, traditions can be modified. At the same time, parents of adult children are people too, and it stings if they feel sidelined. Everyone will be more flexible if they sense that their feelings are understood and their particular situation is appreciated.
Good communication is the key to making a cooperative atmosphere a reality. Family members need to know that it’s safe to talk openly about how they feel and what they need to make the season more relaxed and enjoyable. “She should know how I feel.” Or, “he could be here if he wanted to” are the kinds of assumptions that get families into trouble.
Harboring resentments from one year to the next is another way to dampen festive moods. Forgiving past holiday disappointments is a great pre-New Years Eve resolution. Do what it takes to clear the air. Neither being defensive nor blaming will work out very well. Before you ask someone else to be more considerate of you, underscore what you plan do differently. For example, “I’m sorry I was so late last year. It won’t happen again. Can we pick a new time to get together that would work better for all of us?”
Grandparents, parents, and children all benefit from a commitment to respectfully discuss sensitive topics. Demonstrating that problems (large and small) can be thought about and resolved is a gift that keeps on giving all year long. The good news is that even if your family hasn’t been practicing this kind of open communication, it’s not too late to start working on it now. But don’t delay. The holidays are almost here!
Loren Buckner, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice in Tampa, FL. She is the author of ParentWise: The Emotional Challenges of Family Life and How to Deal With Them.
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